Why I Have Been Absent From Social Media Lately

Some of you might know. Most of you do not.

For the past eight or ten years, I have been having some serious problems with my reproductive organs. There has been way too much blood for too long and some things in my life changed drastically. This was not due to anything but naturally occurring physical changes in my organs; things that typically happen when a woman starts getting older. And, let’s face it; I am not twenty-six anymore, as much as I would like to think I could still do the things I could do when I was.

I had a procedure a few years ago that was thought to be a measure to stop the results of the physical changes. Thermal ablations are a way to help women who have too much bleeding, to the point of anemia. That was me. And it didn’t have the desired result.

On May 7th, 2015 around 1:30 in the afternoon, I went into surgery to have a hysterectomy. I wasn’t overly apprehensive about the procedure. But, I was nervous about being ‘put under’ since I dream so much and it has become a part of my everyday existence that I rely on dreaming to teach me, communicate from my subconscious and reveal things to me that might happen and sometimes do happen. But, I digress…

I had that surgery and since that day, I have been at home recuperating. Everyone that I had spoken to before the surgery about recovery has said that they were feeling fairly normal by day three or four, with no need to take any pain medication by that time. I expected something similar. But, I did not take into account that I, as I have mentioned above, am not twenty-six anymore.

Recovery is taking much longer than expected. This was, after all, my first major, highly invasive surgery since a cesarean section in 1989. Back then, when I was twenty-one, I was able to bounce back rather quickly (and now I have stamped a date on my forehead). This time, I find myself exhausted after just a few chores, wanting a nap in the afternoon, sleeping poorly because it is difficult to get comfortable and other things you probably don’t want to hear about.

There was some bruising which offers a lingering soreness, also. As can be expected, some slight bruising around the incision sites; five small cuts below the waist so the doctor could go in with a DaVinci Robot (a relatively new tool for operations such as this) and take out the organs. I somehow got a weird bruise on my back that mysteriously appeared after surgery (since I was unconscious, I don’t know how it got there), and a bruised vein in my left arm from where the I.V. delivered fluids, antibiotics, anti-inflammatory medications and Morphine.

Morphine is, in my opinion, a very mean drug with bothersome and sinister side effects. But, I was grateful for it because my pain level was higher than I, or my doctor, thought it would be.

Also, during this time, I have been traveling through some spiritual landscapes. Reading a few books and discovering more about life and about Spirit. I have started having dreams within dreams with total recall. Yesterday, during a one hour and fifteen minute nap, I had a dream within a dream, within a dream. For me, that is a first. But, I welcome the new experience with no fear. I trust it because I had not had any medication for much more then twelve hours (yes, I know some medications take much longer to leave to body. I also know my body).  I also had two dreams within dreams the week before surgery.

I look at this as a turning point in my life. Something is happening far beyond the scope of having part of my body removed. My eyes are opening just a little bit more. Strange as it sounds, I feel more awake. But, I also feel that my dreams are more important. They are part of the journey, which is not linear but travels in many directions at once.

Some of you may wonder why I did not tell you that I was going into surgery before the fact, since we are friends or family and, perhaps, you feel you should have been told. Please, don’t be offended. It is for the same reason that I did not take calls for the first few days after surgery. I didn’t say anything before so those dear to me would not worry and would not feel an obligation to visit me in the hospital or try to offer support. You are all busy enough with your own lives and my support ‘group’ was and is a strong and loving one. It’s okay that you weren’t informed. I am telling you now. I am okay.

I didn’t say anything during the last week because recuperating is hard work and lots of rest and naps were required. Surgery was much more stressful on this body than I had anticipated. One moment I would be sitting up, reading and the next, so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Those of you who have had invasive surgery can probably relate.

I am here. I am back now. A little changed for the better in a lot of ways. It’s funny what changes a simple thing like this can bring about. I was so worried that I wrote out a Living Will. My fears were unfounded, rooted in baseless apprehension that I had to set aside. And, for the next seven weeks, I will have much time to listen to my body, listen to my dreams, listen to those who love me, listen and be still… As difficult as it may be. I am not one to lounge around, ‘eating Bon-Bons and watching soap operas’ as the 1970s saying goes. By then end of those seven weeks, this house is going to feel terribly small.

But, it will make small journeys that are much more worth the trip.

Thank you all for understanding.

Thoughts From A Shadowed Room

Wow. Yes, it’s been a very long time since I have written anything here. But, don’t think that means I haven’t been writing in other, more personal, less visible places. I have kept a journal almost my entire life. I have so many notebooks and small journals full of writings that you would think I would never run out of things to post publicly.

Strangely, I have a dilemma about posting, which is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place. My dilemma is that I am shy about making my personal thoughts public. At the same time, I realize that there are some out there who might benefit from the things that ramble through my head. Also, it helps me to write things down where I can get some kind of feedback, see what others might think, or read about how some might think I am full of …well… you know. I wanted to publish my thoughts to help toughen my ‘skin’. For there are other reasons, too, you see.

I have written over two dozen short stories. I have penned at least two novellas and countless poems and prose. And, in order to gain some insightful feedback, I decided to start this blog. Some of the writings are Fiction, even Science Fiction. Some are of a Pagan and Witchcraft nature. Some are erotica and some are just plain, down-to-earth stories. So, to find out what ‘a general public’ might like or not, I wanted to make these things, all of them, not just the Fiction, public. So many reasons for doing a simple thing.

Here is where I laugh at myself. It is not such a simple thing when it comes down to pushing that ‘enter’ key. All of those voices that tell me how stupid, how hollow or how mundane and lifeless an entry is start clamoring in my head. They ridicule me long before any one else gets the chance. And I start to crumble, my resolve to DO THIS thing turns to mush. My finger wavers. And suddenly…

…I am that little girl on the playground who is surrounded by wicked, jeering children who push me and pull my hair and call me ugly and stupid. They punch me in the stomach and push me to the ground and throw my books in the gutter. And I cry because I feel so helpless. In a flash it all happens again. I see a minor case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the making. But, then I think to myself, “What could this current public to do me that has not already been done by those mean school mates?”

The answer, of course, is ‘Nothing’.

I guess that I am just telling you all that what I have to say is just as important as what any one else might say on any given topic or what any one else might write for any purpose, whether to entertain or to educate. No, I don’t have a very ‘thick skin’. But, don’t let that stop you from saying what ever it is that you want to say about any blog post I might create. I don’t have to publish it if I don’t want to (that’s one of the great things about blogging).  If you say what is on your mind, I might learn a thing or two. So might you.

I guess what I am just saying here is that there is so much more I could fill these pages with. And, I just might do it, a little at a time. I can be twisted and deviant. I can be poetic and magical. I can be troublesome. I can be agreeable. My writing, just like my psyche, has many facets. We are, each of us, a bright jewel of information, entertainment and nonsense.

Things will follow. I may not write for weeks. But, hopefully, that does not mean I will lose readers of this blog because, make no mistake, I plan to knock your socks off at some point in time. After much editing and re-writing in some cases. But, someday.

And I EXPECT some kind of comment, feedback, reply, criticism or rating.

Happy Holidays to all.  And to all a good write!