CHANGELING… A poem

CHANGELING

©Sally JoBeth Sexton

May 19, 2015

 

Floating…

   I am floating

Until I let the waves

                Roll me.

In the lull of ripples,

   I let the water

                Hold me.

Covering my ears, I hear

                The surreal sounds

Of the life within the deep.

 

The sounds taste so like those

                I feel when I am

                   Buried by sleep.

 

Rocking, as within a lover’s arms,

                Eyes closed against

                     What I might see,

Choosing instead to rely

        On images just

                Beneath Reality.

Whispers unknown to my ears

                And hiding from

                The tick of time.

A breath of the Song

                does quicken

                      within my blood.

The fingers of my

               Consciousness

                    dig deep into the

                Soil of the mists

For this is where the

                Roots of light and

                darkness are born.

And tranquilly float on

                The ebb and flow

                     of thought and dreams.

I haven’t written any poetry for a very long time. I am fortunate to be in a place in my life where I can stop and write what I feel when the muse speaks to me. I don’t have to worry about someone looking over my shoulder and my job isn’t in jeopardy if I need to pick up a pen and paper to scribble a few lines before they vanish from my mind.

Yes, I am very fortunate.

I don’t know if this is a good poem or a bad one. I am sure there will be those out there who will like it and those that will not. But, it doesn’t really matter. It was from my heart.

If you have something to say about it, feel free, no matter what it is. I value all kinds of feedback and comments.

And, in advance, I would like to say, ‘Thank you’ to those of you who glance at this page.

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Why I Have Been Absent From Social Media Lately

Some of you might know. Most of you do not.

For the past eight or ten years, I have been having some serious problems with my reproductive organs. There has been way too much blood for too long and some things in my life changed drastically. This was not due to anything but naturally occurring physical changes in my organs; things that typically happen when a woman starts getting older. And, let’s face it; I am not twenty-six anymore, as much as I would like to think I could still do the things I could do when I was.

I had a procedure a few years ago that was thought to be a measure to stop the results of the physical changes. Thermal ablations are a way to help women who have too much bleeding, to the point of anemia. That was me. And it didn’t have the desired result.

On May 7th, 2015 around 1:30 in the afternoon, I went into surgery to have a hysterectomy. I wasn’t overly apprehensive about the procedure. But, I was nervous about being ‘put under’ since I dream so much and it has become a part of my everyday existence that I rely on dreaming to teach me, communicate from my subconscious and reveal things to me that might happen and sometimes do happen. But, I digress…

I had that surgery and since that day, I have been at home recuperating. Everyone that I had spoken to before the surgery about recovery has said that they were feeling fairly normal by day three or four, with no need to take any pain medication by that time. I expected something similar. But, I did not take into account that I, as I have mentioned above, am not twenty-six anymore.

Recovery is taking much longer than expected. This was, after all, my first major, highly invasive surgery since a cesarean section in 1989. Back then, when I was twenty-one, I was able to bounce back rather quickly (and now I have stamped a date on my forehead). This time, I find myself exhausted after just a few chores, wanting a nap in the afternoon, sleeping poorly because it is difficult to get comfortable and other things you probably don’t want to hear about.

There was some bruising which offers a lingering soreness, also. As can be expected, some slight bruising around the incision sites; five small cuts below the waist so the doctor could go in with a DaVinci Robot (a relatively new tool for operations such as this) and take out the organs. I somehow got a weird bruise on my back that mysteriously appeared after surgery (since I was unconscious, I don’t know how it got there), and a bruised vein in my left arm from where the I.V. delivered fluids, antibiotics, anti-inflammatory medications and Morphine.

Morphine is, in my opinion, a very mean drug with bothersome and sinister side effects. But, I was grateful for it because my pain level was higher than I, or my doctor, thought it would be.

Also, during this time, I have been traveling through some spiritual landscapes. Reading a few books and discovering more about life and about Spirit. I have started having dreams within dreams with total recall. Yesterday, during a one hour and fifteen minute nap, I had a dream within a dream, within a dream. For me, that is a first. But, I welcome the new experience with no fear. I trust it because I had not had any medication for much more then twelve hours (yes, I know some medications take much longer to leave to body. I also know my body).  I also had two dreams within dreams the week before surgery.

I look at this as a turning point in my life. Something is happening far beyond the scope of having part of my body removed. My eyes are opening just a little bit more. Strange as it sounds, I feel more awake. But, I also feel that my dreams are more important. They are part of the journey, which is not linear but travels in many directions at once.

Some of you may wonder why I did not tell you that I was going into surgery before the fact, since we are friends or family and, perhaps, you feel you should have been told. Please, don’t be offended. It is for the same reason that I did not take calls for the first few days after surgery. I didn’t say anything before so those dear to me would not worry and would not feel an obligation to visit me in the hospital or try to offer support. You are all busy enough with your own lives and my support ‘group’ was and is a strong and loving one. It’s okay that you weren’t informed. I am telling you now. I am okay.

I didn’t say anything during the last week because recuperating is hard work and lots of rest and naps were required. Surgery was much more stressful on this body than I had anticipated. One moment I would be sitting up, reading and the next, so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Those of you who have had invasive surgery can probably relate.

I am here. I am back now. A little changed for the better in a lot of ways. It’s funny what changes a simple thing like this can bring about. I was so worried that I wrote out a Living Will. My fears were unfounded, rooted in baseless apprehension that I had to set aside. And, for the next seven weeks, I will have much time to listen to my body, listen to my dreams, listen to those who love me, listen and be still… As difficult as it may be. I am not one to lounge around, ‘eating Bon-Bons and watching soap operas’ as the 1970s saying goes. By then end of those seven weeks, this house is going to feel terribly small.

But, it will make small journeys that are much more worth the trip.

Thank you all for understanding.