The Goddess Speaks.
This year has been full of challenges and epiphanies. There have been lessons that needed to be learned and there have been many times when all there was in the world was silence, it seemed. But, through all of that, and sometimes because of all of that, I have evolved just a little bit more.
No, it was not painless. And I can tell you that some of the lessons were things that I did not look forward to getting into. But, they had to be experienced in order for me to grow.
For this year’s Samhain ritual, I was High Priestess and my husband was High Priest. From the day this was announced, nearly six months beforehand, I was nervous, apprehensive and just plain queasy at times. But, once it was announced, there was no way I was backing out.
During those six months, a topic was brought to my attention. That is the topic of ‘ego’. We all have one. It is only a question of whether it is big or small; of whether it gets in the way or not. Mine is bigger than I thought it was and was getting in the way. After all, if I didn’t have an ego, I would not feel such apprehension and would not be nervous. For this nervousness is born of a fear of ‘doing it wrong’ in front of a group of people and being ridiculed for it, is it not? Growing up, I had been teased about a great many things and the emotional results of the past were difficult to overcome. This turned out to be one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do.
The day came and we went to the ritual site. We set up our altars; one for the photos and belongings of those who have passed on. This one we called the “Ancestor Altar” We set up another one to be our main altar.
We began and as the ritual progressed, I realized that I was having a great deal of trouble remembering what it was that I was supposed to say. I had written everything down and I could recall some things, such as the first half of a paragraph of the Circle Cast. But, I was walking the Circle and my mind would just go blank. So, I was silently scolding myself, making it worse and applying way too much pressure to myself.
When the time came, my High Priest read the Charge of the Dark God, a version that he wrote himself. It was beautiful and powerful. We were both convinced that the God would speak through him because of how his version of the Charge came through; as a spontaneous train of thought, earlier that day. But, that did not happen.
I began to read the Charge of the Dark Goddess. And, as was par for that ritual, I screwed up and had to begin the second paragraph again. My tongue was way ahead of the thought processes and things were just not coming out correctly. The group seemed to accept this and there were no secret giggles.
I began again, slower this time. I read the words that I had typed and some that I had changed for the occasion of Samhain. As I went on, I could feel Her. I could feel that unmistakable buzzing in my feet, coming up my legs. But, as I finished the Charge, that was all I could feel…Until I put the paper I had been reading from back onto the altar and I began to speak.
I slowly became so full of what I can only describe as love and purpose. My words and my actions were directed. It was not me doing these things, exactly. It was me as the vessel and I was allowing this incredible power and love to come through me. All of my worries about ‘doing it wrong’ disappeared and became …nothing. I did not have confidence because my will was so far in the back ground of my consciousness that I couldn’t even feel it. I acted on instinct, sort of, and when it came time to farewell the Goddess, I did so. But, I can’t remember what it was that I said except that it had something to do with love. I began to shake with the fullness of the power of the Goddess and the Earth I was standing on.
When the circle was open and all were grounding, my High Priest helped me down to the ground, where I sat for the next fifteen or twenty minutes, letting the excess energy flow out of me. Several people came to talk to me and to each other. My High Priest covered me with his cloak so I would not catch a chill. I was thanked and told each person that I could not take the credit. It had not been me that gave the gifts of such pure love and beauty. Sitting there on the cold, moist grass, I spoke to nearly everyone who had been in our ritual circle.
But, you know something?
Not one person said anything to me about forgetting the words. I don’t even think they noticed. All I came away with was as incredible sense of well-being and the knowledge that I had been given a great honor. The Goddess acted through me. I can not take credit for much of any thing that happened after I read the Charge of the Dark Goddess and that is perfectly okay.
I can tell you this; I will never forget any of what I felt or the lesson that I learned.
COPYRIGHT JOBETH SEXTON 2012-2013